A compendium of short screenplay (or other fictive) ideas. Make your pitch. Works submitted remain the property of their originators, although it should be carefully noted that there are no new ideas.

Saturday, October 08, 2005


The Wedding Planner, Mary, (JENNIFER LOPEZ) has been newly-widowed after her pediatrician-husband Steve (MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY, in flashbacks) is killed testing a new vaccine for avian flu on himself. Wanting to start over, she moves to a small town in Connecticut where an opening for a wedding planner has just opened up. There she meets Robbie the Wedding Singer (ADAM SANDLER), recently divorced from wife Julia (DREW BARRYMORE), who has become a conservative columnist and fund-raiser for Republican causes after losing all her savings in the stock market bubble burst of 2001. Robbie has been left by his wife to raise their three children, all of whom are as quirky and sweet as their parents were in the original movie. Mary is unhappy because she and her husband had never had children, and instantly falls in love with Robbie and his delightful brood, who find the sassy urban newcomer to be just the kind of spice they needed in their lives. Robbie and Mary have the basis of a stable relationship in their shared professional interests in the multi-billion dollar wedding industry. Mary now wants to have children with Robbie, but Robbie has had a vasectomy. Solution: they use the frozen sperm of Steve to artificially inseminate Mary. As Mary's due date approaches, Steve's ghost appears -- first, Mary thinks, in dreams, then increasingly as a participant in the various weddings that she's planning! Then Julia suddenly reappears and sues for sole custody of her children with Robbie. A spectral lawyer from heaven (SAMUEL L. JACKSON) then files counter-suit in court on behalf of Steve for custody of Mary's baby, which Julia now claims is hers from a frozen embryo she and Robbie stored following her successful in vitro fertilization back when they were married. The media (STEPHEN COLBERT as REPORTER NO. 1), Senator Bill Frist (CHRIS COOPER), and Jesse Jackson (HIMSELF) all descend to weigh in as the trial commences. A four-way custody fight ensues...who will raise Mary's baby? Who will have custody of Robbie and Julia's kids? Will the big wedding Mary and Robbie are planning to save their family finances come off without a hitch -- when it turns out the bride is the judge's daughter?!? Can Steve be returned to a peaceful hereafter?

Saturday, December 11, 2004


October Surprise: A Clear and Present Danger to Red Patriot Games

aka Jack Ryan IV

a pitchplay by Matt Wall (c) 2004

DR. JACK RYAN (HARRISON FORD, ALEC BALDWIN, or, if both previous Jack Ryans are unavailable, BRUCE WILLIS, KEANU REEVES, or DENZEL WASHINGTON), is in California on vacation while his beatific neurosurgeon wife CATHY RYAN (ANN ARCHER, or if unavailable, DEMI MOORE, CHARLIZE THERON, or HALLE BARRY) delivers an important lecture at a medical convention, his impish children Sally and Johnny (THORA BIRCH and HALEY JOEL OSMENT) safely off-screen for now at college and camp, respectively. We learn over a romantic dinner at the Top of the Mark (Ryan saying he prefers Californian wine, in foreshadowing) that Jack, it seems, has been lecturing at Annapolis and writing a book on Homeland Security, having lost political favor at the CIA. He has been viewed as paranoid for predicting terrorist attacks on American soil. "'Jack, you'v egone nuts over drug terrorism because of your involvement with the IRA and Narcoterrorists'," he reveals, repeating the words of the head of the CIA when he gets fired from his job. The following day, as his wife lectures, he goes on a sort of busman's holiday at Coast Guard Station San Francisco, examining the boarding and port control system for freighters entering the harbor.

As Jack rides along on a Coast Guard 47' motor life boat, the VTS sends an alert that a tanker that had been ordered to stand outside the Golden Gate has proceeded towards the Golden Gate bridge without authorization. Jack asks the name of the freighter, and recognizes it as being one of the boats re-flagged as part of the "Al Jibra Navy" under the direction of the shadowy but charismatic terrorist leader, OLSAMA THIN PLOTTIN (aka "OTP", JOHN LEGUIZAMO, seen first on video screens). "I warned those bastards about commercial shipping!" Jack cries. He cannot convince the authorities over the radio that this is anything more than a routine communications problem, but does manage to persuade the Coast Guard crew, and they zip off to intercept the freighter. A gunfight ensues, as the Coast Guard team enters into a forced boarding of the vessel. With gunfire erupting, help is sent. with a Coast Guard helicopter (now armed, thanks to the previous lobbying of Jack in an issue of "Proceedings of the Naval Institute") arriving just in time to gun down from the air the terrorist who is about to kill Jack. Unfortunately, the ship is set on a dead man's course towards the Golden Gate bridge, and there's nothing that can be done to stop it since the ship is at speed and the engines have been sabotaged by the terrorist crew. Jack ascends into the helo and, with the help of the crew, manages to "close" the Golden Gate bridge to traffic by hovering dangerously between the suspension cables and blocking oncoming traffic until the police arrive to close off the bridge. With everybody safely evacuated from the bridge, the tanker collides with one of the base pilings of the Golden Gate bridge and in a spectacular fireball explodes. The bridge makes a slow but spectacular collapse into San Francisco Bay.

Jack is awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the dim-witted but likeable PRESIDENT RUSH (KEVIN KLINE), over the objections of the shadowy VICE PRESIDENT SHEEN (CHARLES DURNING or MICHAEL LEARNED). At the ceremony, RUSH publically asks Ryan to become his new Counter-Terrorism Czar, resuming the job he had been doing under the previous administration. Because of the public nature of the request, the Vice President cannot object nor can Jack refuse.

Jack re-enters the world of bureaucratic Washington. He tries to shore up the Homeland Security Defenses of the country, but becomes caught between pork-fattened Congressman who have no agenda other than being re-elected and lining the pockets of their cronies, career military officers who are eyeing lucrative industry careers after retiring with extra stars, the conniving underlings of the Vice President who are all out to get Jack, and a scurrilous cable news commentator FILBERT YESBRUM (CHARLES CIOFFI), who uses leaks to embarrass Jack's most trusted ally, COMMANDER ROBBY JACKSON (SAMUEL L. JACKSON) and at the same time make Jack the subject of a criminal investigation concerning the leak, lead by FBI Counter Intelligence Special Agent BRENT HOYLE (ED HARRIS). Agent Hoyle is at first antagonistic towards Jack, but comes to understand there is a vast conspiracy of some sort inside the intelligence operations of the country, and the effort to discredit Jack is part of some sort of advance effort.

In the meantime, Olsama Thin Plottin (OTP) has watched the heroic elevation of Jack via the media and decided that Jack's family must be the next victim of his nefarious terrorist organization. Jack first finds out about this the hard way, as his young son Johnny narrowly avoids being gunned down at a prep school lacrosse game by an attacker and his daughter is drugged and impregnated at college by the sleazy underling of OTP, a French exchange student, PIERRE GRENOUILLE (JASON SCHWARTZMAN) with OTP's sperm. To protect his family, the FBI arranges for them to be secretly hidden at a remote ski resort in the Rockies. "Not too many Arabs ski," Hoyle tells Jack. "But what about the French and Germans?!?" Jack asks.

In the meantime, Jack has been asked by President Rush to research the link between Olsama Thin Plottin and the evil mid-eastern dictator who once tried to kill Rush's father, SADMAN AL-PETROL (TONY SHALHOUB). Jack is skeptical, but the evidence being passed up by his analysts and spy satellites strongly suggest that Al-Petrol is building an atomic bomb and that he has plans to turn it over to OTP. We learn on-screen what Jack does not know: that the evidence is being manufactured as an excuse for war so that the oil company once headed by Vice President Sheen and the contracting giant once headed by the squirrelly, sinister DEFENSE SECRETARY SCOWLCRAFT (HARRY DEAN STANTON) can take control of Al-Petrol's country, North Librakistynia and seize its oil fields, and is abetted by corrupt CIA and Pentagon officials who want to reap profits from defense contractors. "But how do we get out of North Librakistynia once we're in?" asks ANONYMOUS UNDERLING OF SCOWLCRAFT (BEN AFFLECK). "That's the beauty of it," replies Vice President Sheen, exchanging smirks with Secretary Scowlcraft. "We don't. We stay there forever, causing perpetual war and a market for our products that will get bigger and bigger forever." We learn that President Rush is an ignorant dupe who cheats at computer golf and has to be constantly told by his Secret Service staff how to change the gears on his mountain bike, but one who genuinely thinks he's doing the right thing for his country as long as he's never contradicted by his staff.

Jack, despite misgivings, gives briefings to the Congress on the serious state of the weapons program of North Librakistynia, and the country goes to war. We see Jack watch the first strike on the capital of Bagradavita via satellite, a massive bombardment designed to kill Sadman Al-Petrol. The months wear on, and despite an early military victory and the capture of Al-Petrol (shown in video reveals on TV) the attacks on US troops become more and more severe. Jack is sent as a special envoy of the President to examine the situation on the ground in North Librakistynia, and finds it's far more severe than is being reported in the media or by the Vice President and Defense Secretary to President Rush -- the hard way, by surviving an all-out attack on the US compound in the Green Zone. Jack is dismayed to find censorship of press reports by a compliant media. "We want just enough war to keep the ratings up," says Yesbrum in a pre-broadcast video feed which Jack catches.

Jack briefs the President on his findings, but is dismayed to find that the Vice President's staff have beaten him back to Washington and told the President that it was Jack who was responsible for the flawed intelligence leading to the invasion of North Librakistynia. Jack resigns, saying that he was indeed responsible because he trusted people he thought were acting on behalf of the country but instead were acting to line their own pockets. "You won't teach at Annapolis again, either," scowls the Vice President. "Unless it's at the federal pen outside of town." As Jack leaves the White House, he is surprised to hear the secret location of his wife and children being revealed -- via a leak by Yesbrum -- and that the Colorado Mountain town where his wife and children are being protected has been cut off by an avalanche that has also cut off the town's power supply. Jack is tipped off by FBI Agent Hoyle that Olsama Thin Plottin himself has nevertheless found a way into the town and is going to torture and kill Jack's son and wife and then kidnap his daughter, still bearing OTP's unborn child.

We now are treated to a spectacular James Bond snow sequence pitting Jack against Pierre Grenouille, OTP, and their minions at the mountain-top resort. There are chases down luge runs, a hand to hand combat sequence on skates in the outdoor ice skating rink, RPGs used to start avalanches, and an all-out old West-style gun battle show down on main street between Jack and OTP. Jack prevails, but he learns at the last minute that OTP has been a front all along, and that it's Grenouille who not only has impregnated his daughter with his own sperm, but who is behind all the plotting in the first place. "The Arab people would willingly embrace the United States left to their own devices," he says. "But to return the French to their rightful place as leaders of the world required a little creative conflict generation." Jack manages to kill Grenouille as well, but not before Grenouille reveals that a nuclear device stolen from the US arsenal will be set off in Paris three days hence. The explosion will be blamed on the US, giving Old Europe an excuse to go to war with the US.

Jack then confronts the President with the evidence, collected on video tape, and he is put in charge of a strike team to find the nuclear weapon. They can't do this above ground, as this would give the French the excuse they need to strike the United States, so an elite team of counterterrorists is send underground -- literally -- to find the bomb in the Paris Metro. After a high-speed fistfight aboard the Metro ("Public Transportation Sucks," Jack says in an aside after the battle is over) with the corrupt French paramilitaries who are in league with Grenouille, Jack tracks the bomb to Pere Lachaise cemetery. The remaining terrorists of OTP and their evil French colleagues are tracking Jack and his team, and an explosive gun battle erupts over the various gravestones. Jack gets to the coordinates of the bomb -- and discovers it's under Jim Morrison's grave. He hacks out the grave with a jackhammer while Agent Hoyle and Commander Jackson fight off the bad guys. They get to the weapon just in time, and defuse it by pouring a bottle of French wine into the trigger mechanism. "I prefer Californian wine," Jack says.

In the end, the Vice President and his cronies stay in power and President Rush is re-elected in a landslide, but Jack is able to get his old teaching job at Annapois back because he has deposited a tell-all book to be published in the event anything happens to him or his family. But Rush is forced by Jack to plan a withdrawal from North Librakstynia and a tax is placed on large defense corporations to pay bounties to the survivors of the US troops killed in the invasion. A charismatic leader from the traditional seat of resistance (BRAD PITT, in a cameo) is democratically elected to lead the country -- under the watchful eye of the UN. The Al-Jibra organization, it seems, was only a few dozen guys after all. Jack is given the honor of officially lowering the country's terrorist alert from Orange to Green, and then has to rush off to the hospital for the birth of his first grandchild -- who, as is proved by DNA tests, was fathered by a Naval Academy Cadet a week before the incident in which Grenouille tried to impregnate Sally. The child is named JACK RYAN II (newcomer TBD).

Monday, November 15, 2004


A Pitchplay by Matt Wall (c) 2004.

WAYNE (MIKE MYERS) is now middle-aged, and is still living in Aurora. He is married to CASSANDRA (Tia Carrere), who has, at her father's insistence, ditched the rock and roll lifestyle to become a respected physician. Her specialty is urology, and she is part-owner of a fertility clinic, which makes Wayne at times uncomfortable. Wayne is still doing the cable show "Wayne's World", but it has become a Crossfire and Charlie Rose-style public affairs program. His old sidekick is nowhere to be seen, having been replaced by his younger brother, DARTH AGAR (DAVID SPADE), who is a Tucker Carlson-style conservative to Wayne's Suburban soccer mom. The show is really, really boring. Wayne's past reappears when his producer (JOHN or JOAN CUSACK, in an uncredited cameo) picks "Death-Goth-Corpse Metal: Has it Gone Too Far?" as the weekly topic of conversation on the show. As we learn from interview snippets, a "E True Hollywood Story", and flashbacks, it is GARTH (DANA CARVEY) who has gone on to become a Marilyn Manson-like rocker, who performs under the name Adolf Bin Laden, and whose antics now drive parents crazy from coast to coast. The FIRST LADY (an unrecognizable MARILYN MANSON in drag, in a cameo) has made ridding the country of Garth's evil music her pet project.

Wayne has two other problems: his two teenage children with Cassandra, TYLER (a 17 yo girl played by newcomer TBD) and PERRY (a 15 yo boy played by newcomer TBD). Other than "Wayne's World", Wayne has essentially become a house husband (in an inside joke referring to the previous movies, Wayne addictively purchases every product placement he sees.) The kids have spent their whole lives in Aurora and are bored with it, and are oddly uncomfortable with their biracial heritage, caught between the squabbling between their maternal grandfather (JAMES HONG) and uncle (JACKIE CHAN in a cameo) and paternal grandmother (NORA DUNN). He doesn't understand his children's taste in music, and doesn't understand why everybody doesn't love the 70s classic rock that he does. Cassandra has become a jazz snob. Tyler is a Brittany Spears wannabe who constantly wears slutty clothes, which horrifies Wayne, particularly when he notices various men going "schwing" as Tyler walks down the street. Tyler is constantly bugging Wayne to allow her to have breast augmentation. Perry is an Eminem wannabe, and has died his hair blond and is trying to die his skin black. Wayne is as horrified with their music as they are with his.

Wayne endlessly seeks ways to re-connect with his family and the lost passion of his youth. The family goes to a counselor (WOODY ALLEN) who, instead of helping them, raises Wayne's paranoia by salaciously suggesting solo counseling with the pretty Tyler. Wayne makes a valiant attempt to immerse himself in today's youth culture, but he cannot bring himself to like it. He in fact becomes more horrified by the prospect of a sex and drugs culture -- as long as it involves his own kids, at least. Wayne gets it in his head that he can connect with his kids by enticing his old pal, Garth -- aka Adolf Bin Laden -- to do a concert in Aurora, thereby proving to them that he is cool.

He embarks upon a journey to Los Angeles to track down Garth/Adolf, and along the way runs into characters reprising their roles from the first two movies, all of whom have had odd twists to their lives (CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, ROB LOWE, HEATHER LOCKLEAR, KIM BASINGER, DREW BARRYMORE, ED O'NEILL). He crashes a "MONSTERS OF THE ARENA OF DEATH APALOOZA" festival to get backstage and talk to the elusive Garth/Adolf. In a cameo, SPINAL TAP (THEMSELVES) are shown opening for The Adolf Bin Laden Experience. (As an in-joke, Wayne goes by DEREK SMALLS (HARRY SHEARER) and asks him, "Hey, didn't you used to be Handsome Dan?!?")

Garth, it turns out, has his own problems. He has come to believe in the faked, overly dramatic story of his life put out by his management -- which we see in POV flashbacks: growing up in a trailerpark with KIM BASINGER as his mother, service as a Navy SEAL (JESSE VENTURA in a cameo as his drill instructor), a stint as a rogue cop on the NYPD force (DENZEL WASHINGTON as his partner, begging him to follow procedures), and as a character on a South Park-like cartoon -- and has lost all touch with his roots and the music that originally inspired him. His wife is ANNA NICOLE (HERSELF). Their own teenage children have a remarkable resemblance to Jack and Kelly Osbourne. Irate parents whose children have given up college to go to art school are suing him. The First Lady, through the evil ATTORNEY GENERAL (A John Ashcroft-like character who writes and performs his role in Christian spiritual songs, RIP TORN) has decided to get Adolf Bin Laden by any means. Wayne pleads with Garth, reminding him of their great times together and what a great place Aurora was growing up. Garth, intrigued at finding his roots again, agrees to stage the concert in Aurora.

The Attorney General and the First Lady do everything in their power to stop the concert, comparing Wayne and Garth/Adolf to terrorists, but Wayne prevails by using his TV show to remind boomers -- and Generation X and Generation Y -- that their taste in music and culture was also reviled by their parents. In the final scene in this campaign by Wayne, he debates the PRESIDENT (WILL FERRELL), who it turns out has an iPod strapped to his back under his suit during the debate playing classic Queen and Eric Clapton's "Cocaine". Wayne exposes him live during the debate, and the public demands that Waynestock 2 be allowed to go on, featuring Adolf Bin Laden.

Wayne is very hopeful that his children, having come to support him during this campaign for Adolf Bin Laden, will finally think that he is cool when they see him playing on stage with Garth/Adolf. The big day arrives, and Tyler and Perry are seen beaming as the curtain goes up. Garth, however, has in the meantime been in therapy and decides instead to play an all-acoustic set of disco-era material. Wayne is diasappointed to find that his kids will now always see him as an uncool middle-aged guy.

After the show, Wayne and Garth have an old-time conversational reunion on the tarmac of the airport. They share heart to heart memories, and are about to finally come back to their original point of friendship when Homeland Security arrests them for being too close to the runway.

Wayne and Garth get bailed out by Anna Nicole and Cassandra, and decide to make some changes -- they can indeed help one another out of their midlife crises, it seems. We see at the end of the movie Garth and Anna Nicole, living in Wayne and Cassandra's house and living out the suburban dream. Finally we see Tyler and Perry screaming their heads off at an AEROSMITH (THEMSLVES) concert. It turns out Aerosmith is opening for Wayne's band, Led Skynyrd, which is now the leader of the big Classic Rock revival movement sweeping the nation's fancy. Cassandra is his lead guitarist, and they all live happily ever after indulging in the rock and roll life style.

Welcome to Pitchplay

The pitch: a screenplay pitch or idea contained within the limits of a blog entry. Enjoy the pith.